Blog WAR: TEETH

This film reminded me of junior year of college when I took a feminist film studies class. The zombie-like female? professor didn't take a liking to me, probably because I was one of the only non-dikes in the class. I didn't see the issue. I wrote my final thesis paper on the empowerment of Ana by fucking two young boys and helping them realize their homoerotic tendencies in Y Tu Mama Tambien. I think I got a C-. Maybe its an anti-feminist stance, but in my mind there is nothing wrong with using the shit you got for your own benefit, especially when it means screwing Gael Garcia Bernal.

The myth of vaginal teeth was obviously invented by a man, as was the pad, the thong and douche. Some guy in some weird tribe in Borneo probably couldn't get it up and his girl probably told the tribe so he counteracted by saying she had vagina teeth. Typical. Despite the masochistic origin of this myth, I think vagina teeth can be awesome and there are times, like when I sleep with this guy, that I wish I had them. I liked that in the movie the teeth only came out when she was having unwanted sex, however I found it hard to believe that all these men were pre-pedophiles. In my heartest of hearts I think that all men are ass holes, but they aren't all rapists.
This leads me to another recent discovery, and the most anti-feminist of them all. Take this, Professor Butch. This is so fucked up. I didn't choose to be born with a vagina and yet I am suppose to stick some plastic tube up my shit so I can "protect" myself? If your so pathetic and scared that you actually believe wearing one of these is an option, you should most likely be hospitalized. Yes, one in every eight women are sexually assaulted in their lives but I am not wearing a man made vagina tooth just in case I am one of them. First off, unless I am walking all bowlegged, no on will know I got a fucking snaggletooth up my vagayjay. Then if I do get raped and my plastic apparatus bites them, they aren't going to be too happy. So lets see. Rape or rape and murder? Hmmm....Either way, its bullshit. I am sure there are some women who would feel safer with one inside them or who were already raped and are fearful of it happening again. Well get some karate training, an M-16, a fucking bodyguard but not that thing! Shit!

So now lets actually talk about the movie. Uhhhh...yeah, I have never really seen a castration scene in a movie, let alone three, one with a dog. I don't even have one of those things and I had to cover my eyes, as my BFF crossed his legs and screamed like a girl next to me. The best part of the entire movie was when she used her shit to bite off her step-brothers member. Then as he looks around to find the detached bit, she realizes where it is and "lets go." WOW! Let me say that again. WOW!

The movie also reminded me of my chastity/Jesus lovin' days. Of course I didn't have to be forced to spread my legs, it only took 12 shots of Absolute and a motel room in Port Angeles. It also reminded me how much I can't stand sexually repressed people. How lame is it to save your virginity? Who does that, other than Tori Spelling? I hope a bunch of Christian girls saw that movie and realized it was best to just give it up and not wait to stain their perfect white wedding dresses.

My good friend Frank was also in this movie. He has had a lot of starring roles lately, and I think he really has a career ahead of him.

Unplanned Blog War: Cloverfield

The anti-Frank response can be read here


What do you get when you combine a monster with a bad case of lice, five douches in their 20's, a couple of crazy Black (this detail will become relevant later) kids and one really angry audience member? You get the 9:20 showing of Cloverfield at Lloyd Cinemas.

So in case you didn't know I am one of those crazy obsessed Lost people. I also watched most of Alias and of course Felicity so me and J.J. Abrams are practically old friends. J.J. is capable of some shitty stuff but I felt I owed it to him to go see this movie. I hadn't read any reviews and didn't really have any expectations (probably a good idea). The whole apocalyptic NYC concept is getting pretty old. I kept expecting Ben Affleck to jump out and announce he was going to save this "great fucking city." I feel that Cloverfield could have been so much more effective if it had taken place in Kansas City or Sacramento.

This film could have been a lot more compelling if I wasn't pulling for all the characters to die within 30 seconds of appearing on the screen. It reminded me of going to frat parties in college and always feeling like I didn't belong because I was surrounded my mindless ass holes who wanted to fuck and party. Yeah I wanted to fuck and party but with people who knew the difference between Simon and Garfunkel and Simon Cowell. Lucky for me they did ALL die in the end, though I wish I could have seen them get bitten and explode like Marlena, no contamination sheet needed.

Now to the most likable character of the movie, the Monster, who I will lovingly refer to as Frank. You see Frank had the least amount of character development. I don't know if he came from the Al Qaeda's secret ocean bunker or Rosie O'Donnell's ass, but he was pretty awesome. The best thing about this movie was despite a giant Frank overtaking the city, no one really focused on where he came from. I know you say, how could they think about Frank's origins when they are fighting for their lives? Well if you look back you will remember that all these jerks dragged their asses to midtown just to get Beth. That takes some thought process. I don't understand that process because I am a save yourself type of girl. Now if it was Gael Garcia Bernal I might consider turning around but something tells me no one would be accompanying me. Anyway no one, including all the news anchors said, "did that come from the Lost island? "

Now to the Black part. So as me and Harry and my BFF (though I didn't know he was in the theater. STALKER!) intently watched the film, there was a bit of a commotion. Several teenagers in the theater who had pretty much been talking the whole time and running back and forth like fucking lunatics, got a little too loud. Right when Frank becomes apparently clear to all audience members, they get whack. Then this crazy guy in one of the front rows stands up and starts screaming at them (his words escape me now). To make a long story short, a fight came close to breaking out, I witnessed the biggest pussy security guard ever and everyone got their money back but me because I went out the wrong exit to see seven fucking police cars because everyone knows Portland cops have nothing better to do on a Saturday night. So I was thinking, your Black, you're watching Cloverfield, where there are NO Black characters and your in Portland, full of crackers. This is society breaking you down, so you might be a little ADHD during the movie right?

Fuck if I know. Wish I had got my money back. I want a Frank action figure for my birthday.